The Temp
by TheDonutMistress
Summary: Formerly Making the Best of a Bad Situation. Reno has to fill in as Rufus's secretary for a day. Drinking, plotting, silliness, kleptomania, etc. Renocentric, with cameos from the rest of the Turks. Rufus lovers beware. Reviews are love.
1. Chapter 1

_Random silliness, starring one of my most favoritest characters ever, Reno! **Not **to be taken seriously. And just for the record, I have a lot of respect for the character - he's just this wonderfully jumbled, conflicted guy, who I think can be very laid-back and funny one minute, and beyond professional the next. He's charming, but with dangerous habits, hobbies, what have you. Someone who'd drink with you off-duty, but kill you two seconds later if he was ordered to. Ain't bad to look at either. And yes, I'm well aware that Reno would probably be fired for doing some of the stuff he does (later) in this fic, assuming he got caught, of course._

_Let's say this takes place a short time after Sector 7._

_I don't own any of the Final Fantasy VII characters, locations or anything else_.

* * *

"Any volunteers?" Tseng asked, hopefully, having just briefed his team on the solo mission currently up for grabs. "I'll take that as a no, then," he resigned, with a sigh, as no one had responded to his request.

Elena stood right in the middle of the Turks' "office," squeezing her travel coffee mug so tightly her knuckles were white. When she was nervous, she had a grip that could turn mako to materia.

"Elena?" Tseng called her name, mostly out of concern.

"No," Elena said, firmly, shaking her head.

Reno, and even Tseng was visibly surprised by her refusal. No doubt Rude had been surprised by it too, though he was sure not to let on.

"No?" Tseng asked, bemused.

"I...I don't want to," Elena sort of mumbled, her resolve faltering. She didn't want to seem the type to shirk responsibility, or do anything to make Tseng angry or think less of her.

Tseng nodded. "I see. Rude?" A second later, he retracted the statement. "Never mind. Then I suppose..."

"Oh, come on. You can't be serious," Reno practically whined, tipping back in his chair. "Elena's the obvious choice," he casually added, having no idea the blonde would react so fiercely to his assessment.

"I'm what?" she squealed, slamming her travel mug onto the desk in front of her, which happened to be Rude's. Her hands almost involuntarily went to her hips. "And why is that?"

Rude wondered if he hadn't just seen a small smile on Elena's face. He didn't say anything, though. After all, his inherent stoicism had already excluded him from serious consideration for this dreaded task and he wasn't about to ruin that.

"You used to do it. That's all," Reno offered up, casually. "Besides, seems more like your thing, being a chick and all."

And with that, Elena had gone off the deep end, making ridiculous references to feminism, spouting off a nice little rant about women being good for more than just answering phones and running copies, and that they weren't all bubblegum smacking, mini-skirt wearing, gossipy trollops with six-inch long red fingernails and a massive collection of poorly written erotica. While she realized it may have been overkill, Elena didn't cut her speech short - in fact she pulled out all the stops. She really, really didn't want to go back to being a secretary, even if it was only for a day.

Tseng shook his head. There was no sending Elena now that Reno had gotten her all worked up, and it had already been decided that Rude was _not _an option - the big, bald enforcer a receptionist? The job would require speaking more than five words at a time, therefore, not his thing.

That left only... _Reno_. Tseng rubbed his temples, knowing he was back where he started. He hadn't necessarily wanted Reno to take the "mission" but it seemed he had no choice. Rude was in no way qualified, and Elena had claimed sexism. As for himself, well, he was the Turks leader, and needed in his own department. So it would _have _to be Reno.

"Reno," Tseng called out. Knowing exactly what his boss meant, Reno sputtered, but was unable to get a single word out before Tseng informed him, "It's an order."

Reno's distaste was evident, if the deep frown adorning his face was any indication.

"It's called taking one for the team," Tseng said to his pouting subordinate. It was as close to a pep talk as he was going to give him.

"I thought that was taking the ugly girl home so your buddy could score with her hot friend...?" Reno somewhat absently asked, still tipping back in his chair. Still frowning, too.

"Process of elimination, then."

"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?" Reno asked Tseng, almost accusingly.

The older man smirked and replied, "Yes, I do. Speaking of..." Tseng reached for the phone, pressing a couple of buttons. "It's taken care of. I'm sending Reno. He's on his way now."

Fate sealed, Reno forced himself upright, sure to make it look as though it was a great struggle. As he made his way out of the Turks office and to the elevator, he leaned over Elena's way and whispered, "That was brilliant."

Elena beamed, having had a moment to calm down. She didn't get many compliments, and none from the likes of Reno. He was always telling her to quit acting so weak, and show a little more leg while she was at it.

"I hate you with a passion right now, but that was brilliant," Reno said, under his breath.

Reno sulked all the way to the elevator, stepping inside and punching '69.' He stared at his pale reflection in the glass. "Think I'm their secretary, huh?" he muttered. A grin spread across his face. "I'll show 'em just what kind of secretary I am."

* * *

_A/N: Um...hope everyone liked. And, no offense to secretaries! I just can't see Reno being stoked to go be a secretary. Will be updating promptly, because I've already got a lot of this written out. It was going to be a one-shot, but like Elena, I talk too much. So yeah...pointless multi-chaptered fic. Yay! _

_Also, I skimmed over the summaries for every fic here with Reno as a main character and nothing jumped out at me to lead me to believe this is too terribly close to a fellow author's work. I'm sorry if a similar fic exists. I'm not trying to copy or rip anyone off. I did come up with this on my own, but I doubt I'm the only one to have an idea like this. I said I talk too much. XD_


	2. Will Flash For Reviews

I still don't own any of the Final Fantasy VII characters or anything. Oh, and there's gonna be some **anti-Rufus sentiment** here. I don't like him, so yeah, my Reno doesn't like him either. As for me saying I'd be updating this promptly... Well, the fact that I've uploaded another chapter before 2006 counts as prompt in the land of TheDonutMistress. :) Oh yeah, I've got Rufus's office on the sixty-ninth floor, though it may very well be on floor seventy. My bad if I'm wrong.

_Have done a wee bit of editing, as per Mazzie May's review telling me of typos. I'm not usually this bad. -hangs head in shame-_

* * *

9:15AM

"You're late," was the only thing resembling a welcome for Reno, as he made his way from the elevator to the reception desk.

'And you're lucky I don't knee you in the balls,' Reno thought, smirking, then, knowing there'd be hell to pay for that smirk, smiling instead. As if old man Shinra wasn't dick enough, junior was even worse.

"There's the desk. Leave everything as you find it. Jeannie's a very efficient assistant and I don't want you making more work for her tomorrow."

"Okey dokey, boss."

"You are to address me as 'President Rufus' at all times. Don't come into my office unannounced. Answer all of my calls promptly. You will not make or take personal phone calls. You'll take your lunch at noon. You have an hour. I'll be going on lunch at 1:00. So, you will not be late coming back from your lunch. No excessive drinking on the clock. Any questions?"

"What's your definition of excessive?" Reno asked, smug as always.

"Get to work," was Rufus's reply, followed a split-second later by, "and button your shirt."

With that, Rufus abandoned Reno in favor of his office, leaving the redhead to said "work." Whatever that was. Reno didn't know, nor did he really care. He didn't button his shirt, either.

"What. A. Douche," he said, simply, sitting down at the desk. "He really needs to loosen up..."

Well, it didn't take Reno long to come up with a plan for loosening up Rufus, but he knew it would be a while before he saw the fruits of his labor. He didn't think it would be so long, though.

"Four? You really can't manage any earlier?" he whined into the phone. Personal phone call number one. He didn't count it, though, as he had President Stick-Up-His-Ass in mind when he placed the call. "Yeah yeah. Thanks."

Reno hung up the phone and did what he usually did when he was stuck in his _own _office, and not out on some exciting mission, or getting plastered on company time: he put his head down and took a nap.

10:12AM

A tall blonde slinked up to Reno's desk, waking him from his slumber. Expecting Rufus's regular secretary, Jeannie, and not some sleepy looking red-haired guy with mischievous green eyes and his top two buttons undone, the woman's expression was an unsettling mix of distress and arousal.

"What'd you do with Jeannie?" she asked.

Reno raised his eyebrows. "Nothing... yet."

The blonde scoffed. "Where is she? And what are you doing here?"

"She called in. The name's Reno. Surprised you don't already know that," Reno said, smoothly, titling his head to the side, and offering his hand to the woman.

She took it, tentatively, murmuring, "Reno... Oh, I _know _who you are. Turks. You work with... _Elena_."

"Bingo."

"Well..." The woman paused, her demeanor completely changing. In a most seductive tone, she continued, "I'm Shannon. I work a couple floors down. I was just dropping these papers off for President Rufus to sign."

"Is that so?" Reno asked.

"Sure is, hon. You wouldn't want to come to lunch with us later, would you?" Shannon pouted a little. "Unless you have other plans..."

"Us...?" Reno asked, the right side of his mouth curving up into a smirk.

"Mmm hmm. Just me, and some of the other girls."

"Love to."

Both parties smiled, and Shannon bid Reno farewell, leaving behind the faint scent of her perfume, and a manila folder, stuffed to the gill with what had to be very important documents.

Reno looked down at the folder, then back at the mahogany doors to the president's office, and back at the folder once again. He mumbled a casual, "Whatever. Can't be that important," and opened one of the desk drawers and dropped the folder in it. Just as he was about to shut the drawer, something caught his eye: a paperback book that looked like it had seen better days, with a cute little bookmark right smack in the middle of it. Reno was only momentarily distracted by the adorable little kitty on the place marker, his gaze almost immediately drawn to the picture on the cover of the book. His eyes widened as an impish smile spread across his face.

"What else have you got in here, Jeannie?" Reno asked himself, rummaging through every desk drawer. His search turned up a few more items, including a healthy supply of post-it notes, a nice, expensive calligraphy pen, a pair of cheap, magenta, rectangular reading glasses on a beaded cord, and half a pack of cigarettes, which he was quick to pocket.

11:07AM

"'Esmerelda's breath caught in her throat, at the sight of her... _naked lover_?'" Reno brought the paperback closer to his face, to confirm that he had indeed read what he had just read. Upon confirmation, he nodded and sniggered. Sitting back in his chair, he continued, "'Antonio! she cried out, her loins burning with passion for the muscular stable boy.'"

Before Reno could think much on the muscular stable boy the phone rang. He put the book down carefully, as not to lose his place, and grabbed at the phone. "Shin-Ra... Electric... something or other. I dunno. This is Reno, how may I direct your call?"

"Something or other?" the voice on the other end repeated.

Reno smiled. Personal phone call number two. "Hey Rude. What can I do ya for?"

"Ain't enough money in the world," was the smug reply.

Reno laughed. "What's up?"

"Lunch?"

"Love to, " Reno began. "but I've already got plans."

"Do I even want to know?" Rude asked, though he probably could've answered his own question.

"Goin' out with some of the girls," Reno explained, in a tone that told Rude he should be impressed.

"Later, Reno," Rude said, simply, prepared to hang up on his end.

"Hey, hey. We'll hit the bar after work, okay?"

"Sounds good."

"Later," Reno said.

"Later."

Putting the phone down, Reno opted for the book again, eager to return to his reading.

12:00PM

Reno didn't need to hear Rufus tell him, "It's noon. Go to lunch," twice. He practically hopped over the counter, completely disregarding Rufus's follow-up statement of, "You had better be back by _exactly_ one o'clock."

At the elevator, Reno pressed the call button ten or so times, and waited for the lift to come, if his behavior could even be described as waiting.

When the elevator doors opened, Reno was greeted by the sight of Shannon and four other equally attractive women. He thought he heard Elena's name mentioned, but he didn't have time to dwell on it as Shannon reached out and practically dragged him into the lift. He didn't object. Elena _who_?

The doors closed, the 'L' button was pressed, and Shannon began introductions. "Ladies, this is Reno. You all know who Reno is. Reno, meet Shelly, Sheila, Sherry, and Sharon."

Reno's eyes widened, as he mindlessly offered his hand to whoever wanted to grab at it first. One word echoed in his head: _crap_. Shannon, Shelly, Sheila, Sherry, Sharon. Like he didn't _already _screw up girls' names all the time. He was going to have to find another way to identify each woman.

Rather than do that, though, Reno had spent the ride from floor sixty-nine to the lobby convincing the ladies they should take _his _car to lunch. It was in no way big enough for six people, but that, Reno knew, was half the fun.

The one with the long legs - Shelly, maybe - had taken the front middle seat next to him. They were shoulder to shoulder, and every time he shifted gears, his right arm brushed against her left thigh.

Oh yes, it was _at least_ half the fun...

12:16PM

The restaurant was nice, if a little upscale for Reno's taste. But he had heard of the place, and knew they had a liquor license, so he just smiled and played caboose, following Shannon, Sharon, Shelly, Sherbet, Shackle (or whatever the hell their names were) to a big round table by the window. He was too busy comparing asses to care.

Once the group had been seated, the hostess left menus, to the tune of "Your server will be right with you."

Said server had shown up a couple minutes later, eyed the smug redhead amongst the pretty girls with suspicion, then proceed to ask if he could get everyone started with a drink.

Shannon was first to pipe up. "Let's see... I'll have the usual."

The waiter nodded.

All the girls ordered "the usual" - whatever _that _was - so when the waiter reached Reno, he cocked his head to the side, thinking he just might try it as well, assuming it had enough alcohol in it to suit his tastes.

Before he could open his mouth, though, Shannon had ordered for him. "He'll have one too." As if sensing he was about to protest - loudly, no less - to a woman ordering a drink for him, she put her hand over his, batted her eyelashes and seductively murmured, "That sound okay, hon?"

Reno smiled over the touch. He could work with this. "It's fine," he told the waiter, amending his statement somewhat a moment later, asking, "Wait, wait. The usual's got alcohol in it?"

The waiter nodded.

Reno matched the gesture. "Make mine a double."

"Oh, Reno. You're so bad. I wouldn't be able to think straight if I drank like you. I can only imagine what I'd do or who I'd do it with," one of the girls said, giggling.

The others were quick to agree, prompting Reno to stop the waiter again and say, "Make them _all_ doubles."

The drink was a bit girly looking for Reno - he really could've done without the fuchsia cocktail umbrella - but he shrugged it off. Booze was booze, and here he was surrounded by five very alluring ladies. He wasn't gonna complain.

Reno about died laughing over the symbolism when each girl, following Shannon's lead, gave him the cherry from her drink, declaring she was trying to cut down on her sugar, or something like that.

The waiter had returned a couple of minutes later to take everyone's order. Salad, salad, salad, some weird-ass foreign sounding thing, salad, and a cheeseburger, which Reno insisted be made a double as well.

Then the questions came rolling in... Too many were about Elena, with nowhere near enough concern for Reno, as far as he was, well, _concerned_.

_How was Elena liking being a Turk, hmm? Just how did she get promoted, hmm? It wasn't every day a secretary got bumped up to the ranks of Shin-Ra's elite, after all. Not that little Elena didn't deserve the promotion, it was just... hmm... I mean, they had no idea she was ever even interested in something like that, you know._

At one point, Reno interjected, asking, "If you wanna know about Elena, why don't you ask _Elena_?"

The answer he received was something along the lines of, "Oh... well, we never really talked to her that often. You see, Elena didn't socialize much..."

Rather than get bent out of shape over the fact that his lunch companions seemed only to want to gossip about Elena, then, when that well ran dry, Rude, and finally Tseng - pretty much everyone _but _Reno - he merely flagged the waiter down and ordered another round of drinks. And another after that... and another after that... until...

The table was a veritable mess after lunch. Empty glasses everywhere, positioned all around those couple of plates the waiter hadn't been around to clear away.

Doing his best to appear gentlemanly, Reno had paid the bill... with his Shin-Ra credit card. His second charge of the day, no less. The first purchase, of course, being his loosening up gift for Rufus.

He'd have fun explaining that one later. No, really, he _would_.

* * *

_Done with this part. W00t. It's still pointless as ever, but meh. __I've only got a little bit to add to chapter three, and my epilogue has been done for a couple weeks now. Will be adding that very soon. Drop me a review if you made it this far, thanks! -holds up sign that says: Will flash for reviews!-_


	3. I Really Will Flash For Reviews

_I have decided that in my world Rufus's office -is- on the sixty-ninth floor... because it's sort of, you know, innuendo... ish and stuff. W00t. I don't own the Final Fantasy VII characters or anything. And I apologize in advance for typos, it's quite late as I upload this, so there are bound to be some errors. I'll catch 'em eventually. And review this bitch, okay! I've got 200 frickin' hits for this thing and 7 reviews! (Which were all wonderful, thanks a million for them!)_

* * *

1:21PM

Lunch had gone incredibly well for Reno. So far beyond drunk, the girls had all leaned on him, _and _each other as they stumbled back to the Shin-Ra building, tripping over their heels, with those in closest to him telling him he smelled nice and had pretty hair. He resolved to get them all piss-drunk again, and soon. Very soon.

Reno had hardly been back five minutes and he was already getting antsy. His lunchtime buzz was wearing off and he was in the mood to cause some trouble. (Really, though, when _wasn't_ he in the mood to cause trouble?) But what could he do...?

As he thought on that, Reno uncapped the calligraphy pen and began doodling on a post-it note. He drew a ridiculously well-endowed stick figure, giving it a ponytail, labeling it 'me,' and sticking it on the desk. His next sketch was of a remotely feminine looking stick figure, labeled, 'Shannon.' He stuck it on the desk too. He followed that up with a picture titled 'The other chicks.' After that, simply, 'IT'S PLAYTIME!'

"You're late. _Again_," Rufus informed Reno, over the intercom, causing him to mess up on his fifth post-it project: a gaggle of stick-women with giant 'O' mouths, seemingly admiring stick-Reno's impressive manhood.

Reno rolled his eyes, crumpling the tiny paper and throwing it away, then moving onto yet another little yellow sheet.

"I'll be informing your boss of your repeated tardiness," Rufus continued.

Reno rolled his eyes again. Really, what good would telling Tseng do? Talk about stating the obvious. That was about like telling someone Rude was bald, or that Palmer was fat, or that Scarlet was a slut. Hmm...

"Hold my calls," Rufus instructed him. "I'll be on lunch for the next hour, at least. Try not to screw anything else up."

"Affirmative, chief," Reno said, almost cheerfully, leaning over the phone as he stood up, post-it's and calligraphy pen in hand.

"For the last time, it's _President Rufus_."

"Sure thing, your highness," Reno agreed, taking the phone off the hook when he was certain Rufus was finally done talking.

He practically bounced to the elevator, a dangerous gleam in his eyes.

1:32PM

Reno somehow found himself outside of the ladies room on the sixty-sixth floor... with his ear pressed against the door.

"That Reno's pretty cute..."

"Yeah, but he's kinda short."

Reno's smirk faded to a look of utter dissatisfaction. Of course, none of the ladies had any idea he was so grumpy about the remark, as he was outside eavesdropping, rather than being an active, welcome participant in the conversation.

"Oh, I bet he more than makes up for it in the bedroom..."

Outside, Reno had resumed smirking, and was nodding and thinking, 'Damn right I do,' to himself.

There were giggles and squeals, and the phrase "Oh, Shannon!" echoed by at least four women.

"You know who _I _think is hot? His partner - the big, bald guy. What's his name?"

"Rude? He's kinda creepy."

"No he's not! I think he has a tragic past. He's totally sexy. I bet he's all muscle underneath the suit."

"Yeah. And I bet he's an _animal _in bed!"

"I wonder what color his eyes are."

"Blue."

"No way. I bet they're brown."

"No, they're green. I'm sure of it."

"Maybe they're gray..."

"I shouldn't have had so much to drink. I think I'm gonna throw up..."

Reno decided it was time to leave. Listening in on oh-so-private girl talk was one thing, but hearing any one of his prospective one-night-stands puking her guts out? No thanks.

2:24PM

Nearly out of post-it notes and back behind the desk, Reno thought some more about his new lady friends. The overheard restroom conversation had been most enlightening for him. Shannon was the obvious ringleader. Queen of the upper-floor secretaries, if you would. Then the others, whom Reno had since opted to identify by their best trait, rather than by name. That, he had since decided, was just far too much to remember. So it was Shannon, Legs, Lips, Blue Eyes, and Giggles. If he had to give Shannon a nickname, Kinky would do. Least that was what Reno hoped. Especially since she seemed the type to attract followers. If Shannon... er... _Kinky _were to jump from the roof of the Shin-Ra building, Reno had no doubt the others would follow right behind her. The way he saw it, he only had to lure Shannon into his bed, and he'd have himself a scene worthy of depiction in a novel much like the one he 'd been reading earlier.

What would he call this tale? Reno thought on that, biting his pen. Though he was the only of _his _group involved, _Turks Orgy! _was the first thing to come to mind, but along with that title, catchy as it may have been, came unwelcome images of both Tseng and Rude. Elena... Well, that wouldn't have been _too _bad, Reno mused, but Tseng and Rude... He loved them both like brothers, but that was the only way in which he _ever _intended to love either man. 'Shin-Ra Orgy, then?' Reno silently asked himself. Of course that brought to his already questionable mind thoughts of the likes of Hojo, Palmer, and Heidegger. Cringing, the redhead decided that it was probably best to leave erotica to a professional, propping his feet up on the desk, and reaching for the slightly tattered copy of _The Princess of Unbridled Passion._

3:37PM

Rude emerged from the elevator on the sixty-ninth floor, and headed for the reception desk, ill-prepared for what awaited him. Feet up on the desk, leaning back in his swivel chair, and wearing a pair of rectangular reading glasses on a beaded cord, was Reno. He had a book in his hands, too. One of those trashy romance novels, Rude decided, once he was close enough to make out the picture on the cover. It was a voluptuous woman in a flowing red dress, bosom spilling over the top, and looking as though she was about to be ravaged by a shirtless man wielding a pitchfork.

Leave it to Reno to get off on something like that.

"You stupid cock. She doesn't love you. She loves the muscular stable boy, okay? So quit trying to thrust your throbbing manhood into her already, _Jean Paul!_" Reno grumbled, seemingly to the book itself, a look of frustration lighting up his pale, and oddly accessorized face. "Besides, stable boy's already thrusted the shit outta her," he added, with a somewhat lecherous chuckle. He looked up from the book and at Rude.

Rude just shook his head. Now that he'd had a minute to get over the shock of his partner wearing pink framed glasses and reading something called _The Princess of Unbridled Passion, _the big man just couldn't help but be amused by it all. Though his expression hardly changed, and there was probably only one person on the face of the planet who knew him well enough to detect it, Rude just happened to be in the presence of that one person.

"What?" Reno asked, somewhat snippy, and took off the reading glasses, letting them hang from his neck. "Something funny? What do you need?"

Rude just shook his head, and signaled 'cigarette.'

"Okay. Sounds good," Reno agreed, standing up and nonchalantly tossing the book onto the desk. He took those couple of steps around the desk to Rude's side.

Rude raised an eyebrow.

"What?" Reno demanded.

Rude didn't speak, instead he just reached out to the pair of spectacles dangling from his partner's neck.

"What about 'em?" Reno asked, casually.

"Take them off."

"You take yours off," Reno challenged him.

"Those aren't even yours," the bald man reminded him.

Reno frowned, but removed the reading glasses nonetheless. "I didn't take them off for you," he insisted, tossing the controversial eyewear onto the desk, near the equally controversial novel that had been discarded just a moment before.

Rude merely turned away and headed for the elevator.

"I didn't," Reno reiterated, a half-step behind, as Rude hit the call button.

Being the bigger man, both physically and metaphorically, Rude diplomatically changed the subject, asking, "How's your day?"

Reno shrugged his shoulders. "Booze, women, phone calls, Rufus - power-hungry little shit. Porn... Well, sort of porn. Is it still porn if you have to read it? Because, I mean, nobody actually reads the articles in porno magazines... but they're still there, so... but there's also pictures of naked girls touching themselves..." He rambled on for a minute, until somewhat abruptly changing the subject and asking, "So, how's _your _day been?"

"Nice," Rude replied. "Peaceful."

Outside, Reno lit up one of the cigarette's he'd liberated from Jeannie's desk, and handed the pack to Rude, along with his lighter.

"I mean," Reno paused to take a drag. "these women should know that when they talk in the bathroom I can hear everything from outside with my ear pressed against the door."

Rude shook his head and smirked at Reno, who full-out grinned back at him.

"You wouldn't believe some of the stuff I found out. And _not _just listening in on their bathroom conversations either."

Rude said nothing, though Reno continued as if he had.

Reno nodded. "Oh yeah. They seem to have it in for Elena."

Rude offered one firm, thoughftul head bob.

"You know how many of them wanna boink us?" Reno asked, suddenly.

"I can only imagine," Rude deadpanned. He could also imagine how quickly that number, whatever it was, would drop if they knew what Reno was really like. An eavesdropping, borderline alcoholic with a one-track mind and very violent tendencies. And that was on a good day.

"They think you have a tragic past."

Rude nodded.

"Apparently, it makes you hot. They were even arguing over what color your eyes are."

"They were not."

"Oh yeah," Reno assured him.

"You didn't...?"

"Tell 'em? Nah. Thought about it, though. I was tempted to bust in there and tell 'em you didn't have any eyes, and that's why you wear shades all the time - to cover up the giant holes. Coulda said it was all part of your _tragic _past."

Rude sniggered a little.

Both men finished off their cigarettes, and Reno broke the momentary silence between them by clapping Rude on the back, somewhat suspiciously remarking, "Good to be alive, ain't it, Rude?"

Rude didn't say a single word, he just reached for his back. He peeled a canary yellow post-it note from his suit, reading it to himself, crumpling it, and casually tossing it aside.

Reno just laughed.

"Well, that explains the 'Will put out for lard' note I saw Palmer wearing earlier," Rude remarked.

Reno grinned.

"And the 'Will put out for just about anything' note on Scarlet."

"Oh, there's more where that came from," Reno assured his partner.

Though Rude offered no reply, no doubt he was thinking, 'I bet.'

4:04PM

"What?" Rufus grumbled over the intercom.

"Your four o'clock is here," Reno said, simply, and far too unassumingly.

Rufus groaned, and Reno imagined he was pouting from inside his big, luxurious office. "I wasn't aware that I had a four o'clock. Fine. Send them in."

"Yesiree," Reno said, his tone that of genuine excitement. He looked up from the phone and at the trio sitting in the waiting area. 'So worth the wait.' Reno thought to himself, as he stifled a chuckle and told them, "President Rufus will see you now."

Past Reno, and into Rufus's office walked a policeman, a construction worker, and a cowboy. Each man had the physique of a bodybuilder. The cowboy was carrying a boom-box and the policeman's handcuffs were fuzzy pink.

'President Rufus'll see them, all right.' Reno sniggered, and looked down at the business card one of the men had given him, after he'd allowed them access to the sixty-ninth floor. "'You've Got _Male_, Escorts and Entertainment...'" he read the card aloud.

Reno leaned back in his, or rather, Jeannie's chair and allowed himself a moment to bask in the glory of his genius. Then he mentally declared 4:04PM "the new five o'clock" and prepared to make his exit. Rufus could thank him for everything later.

Reno had nearly reached the elevator when he heard Rufus shout his name, followed by a string of curse words, the likes of which even Reno hadn't heard before. He stopped, sighed, and did an about face. He knew what he had to do. He couldn't just... no, he had to go back.

5:23PM

Rude said nothing as he took in the vision of Reno, hunched over on a barstool, in their favorite pub. An empty glass and an ashtray could be seen on the bar in front of him. He had a cigarette in his left hand. Rude shook his head slightly and sat down next to Reno. He decided he wouldn't mention the object in his partner's right hand; he knew it was only a matter of time before Reno attempted to explain it all himself.

Reno looked up from the book, and, as if knowing what Rude was thinking, said, "Took off a little early," then signaled "two" to the bartender.

A pair of shot glasses were noisily placed in front of Reno and Rude. A brief, wordless toast ensued, both men downing their shots a second later, not surprisingly, like pros.

Reno sort of slammed his empty shot glass down on the counter, snuffed his cigarette out in the ashtray, then somewhat violently turned the page in his book. "For the last time, she's in love with the fucking stable boy!"

Rude ignored the stares and chuckles - Reno was completely oblivious to it all - and simply signaled for two more shots.

* * *

_Um... yeah... Hope this was enjoyed. As for the Rufus-bashing - I used to hate Rufus. A lot. In fact, I started an anti-Rufus livejournal community. Hasn't been touched in YEARS, but feel free to swing by! It's www-dot-livejournal-dot-com-slash-community-slash-rufus-underscore-sucks. In story-related news, I don't quite like the last section of this part. Sorry it sucks. Epilogue will make up for any suckiness... I hope. XD_


	4. Epilogue

_Don't own any of the Final Fantasy VII characters or anything else. Thanks for reading, hope you liked, yada yada._

* * *

9:00AM

"Good morning, Reno. Morning, Rude," Elena greeted the two men, cheerfully.

Reno somewhat dismissively waved his acknowledgment, and Rude nodded.

"Morning, Rude. _Reno,_" Tseng said, brushing past the duo.

Opting, once again, for a silent greeting, Rude nodded, and headed for his desk.

"Yeah yeah," Reno sort of grumbled.

"I see you've survived yesterday. Much to your surprise, I'm sure," Tseng quipped.

"Har har. All right, it wasn't so bad. I admit it," Reno grudgingly confessed.

"Glad to hear it," Tseng said, a satisfied smile upon his lips.

"Say what?" Reno asked, cautiously.

"It seems they're very understaffed upstairs. Several of the secretaries called in sick."

"They what?" Reno asked, incredulous. How could they do that do him? After all the drinks and girl talk they'd shared at lunch yesterday? So much talking, so much drinking. Yeah, it was a lot of drinking for them. Drinking, and plotting. Though most of the plotting had been on Reno's part.

"Apparently they all called in late last night, complaining of nausea, vomiting and a splitting headache," Tseng explained. "So what did you do? Get them all drunk, organize a rebellion, or impregnate them?"

"Yes," was the redhead's arrogant reply.

"Nonetheless."

Resigned to his fate, Reno sighed and made his way to the door, headed for the elevator.

Once Reno was no longer within earshot, Rude decided he'd fulfill his verbal quota for the day early, remarking, "Am I the only one picturing Reno living at the polygamist colony out east, raising chocobos with his five wives and twenty little redhead brats?"


End file.
